I am the odd man in. Not out, I'm certainly not excluded. But sometimes I wish I had a choice to be excluded so I didn't have to make choices that will ultimately make me hurt.
Like tonight, for example. My husband is in an amazing rock band, named Odd Man In, and their CD release show is tonight, in Brooklyn. Come hell or high water, or Still's disease, I'm going to be there. It's a huge deal. Tons of press, labels, and promoters will be there. They are headlining six bands and have aptly named the show DeathMas 2010. It really is going to be a great time.
Unfortunately, when you are dealing with a chronic illness, that happens to be flaring NOW, it makes enjoying things like this, things that if I weren't sick would be a thoughtless "let's got!" I have had to worry about for the past week. I literally haven't done anything for four days, outside of a doctors appointment, to conserve my energy. I know it will be very worth it, but I also know that leaving the house at 5pm, and not getting home until 3am the following morning will be something I'll be paying for, well, for a good week.
But I'm so excited I am doing my best at ignoring the pain I am feeling (including the fact that I keep getting sharp pains in my heart again, which I know is pericarditis acting up again). I'm going to get dressed up, wear heels, and put makeup on. I'm going to be the old me, the one before Stills got me.
And just for a night, I'm going to rock hard, and forget what it's like to have a chronic illness!